O' Brave New World
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: Year Five, crack pairing. Hermione's mum has come to visit after a nasty divorce. Sirius Black is an ex-convict. You get the picture... As do Harry and Hermione, unfortunately.


**O' Brave New World**

A Harry Potter one-shot by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, please support the official release.

I really have no idea how I come up with this stuff...

**Basic idea is that the real reason Hermione never talks about her family and such is because they were constantly fighting and the vacations were them trying to repair the rift (and failing miserably). So! Hermione's parents divorce in Year Five, and Hermione's mother decides she will accompany Hermione into the Wizarding World for a while to reconnect with her daughter and deal with the divorce by burying herself in a world of wonder (Despite Hermione's protests about the genocidal mad man running around). **

**Enter Sirius Black: Ex-convict, and fanon ladies' man.**

* * *

><p>Sirius stared in disbelief at Mrs Granger-Er... Miranda, as she preferred to be called. Cut off denim shorts, a tight blouse and gloves were all she wore as she scrubbed away the dirt and grime from the wall of Number 12 Grimmauld Place the old fashioned Muggle way.<p>

"Ah... When was the last time you wore those? I mean, regularly," Sirius asked. Miranda sighed, and wiped her forehead clear of sweat.

"College... I seem to have put on a little weight since then," she said with a smile. "I always broke them out for cleaning, so..." She glanced at Sirius. "Am I offending your wizard sensibilities or something?"

"Oh no," Sirius said with a grin, "just thinking that your daughter got all her brains from you. Clearly her father had none."

Miranda blushed. Sirius's grin widened, he thought back to something Muggle related he could say...

"So... How about those Beatles? They still making any good music?" Sirius asked.

* * *

><p>Hermione frowned a bit when she entered the dining room of Black Manor. Her frown was due to who was cooking breakfast. Molly Weasley usually was the one to handle it all by herself, and would accept no help. But the biggest surprise was that her own mother was cooking right alongside Molly, a happy smile on her face and a familiar sleeping robe tied around herself.<p>

"Oh! Good morning Hermione," her mother said cheerfully. Hermione blinked.

"Uh... Good morning, Mum," Hermione said. "I didn't see you come to bed last night-"

"Oh... I made..." And here Miranda blushed a bit as Molly rolled her eyes, "_other_ arrangements."

Before Hermione could ask what those arrangements were, she heard footsteps. She turned and gawked at Sirius Black, dressed in nothing but boxers and a white T-shirt. Miranda's smile widened significantly at his appearance.

"Good morning, Sirius," she said brightly. Sirius smiled back, and rubbed the back of his head.

"Morning... I wondered where my dressing robe went," he said with just a bit of a growl. Sirius then blinked as though noticing Hermione was there for the first time. He blinked at her a few times. Hermione blinked back. Miranda's cheeks turned a darker shade of red.

"Oh my GOD, you CANNOT be SERIOUS!" Hermione shrieked.

Harry, just stepping in, blinked curiously at his best friend.

"But... He is Sirius-"

"OH MY GOD!" Hermione cried out. Harry looked at the scene, at the smug look on Sirius's face... And he trembled.

"Oh... Serious... R-Right..."

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><p>Miranda smiled happily at her daughter as they spoke in private. It was pissing Hermione off to no end.<p>

"Mum! H-How could you-I just-!"

"Hermione," Miranda said calmly, "I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions, and I am single now. And Sirius is a wonderful, _wonderful_ man."

"Y-Yeah, but," Hermione tried. Her mother sighed, and hugged her only daughter tightly.

"I know this divorce has been hard on you," she said. "I'm so, so sorry. It must seem like we're just selfish horrible people. But your father and I... We haven't been intimate in forever. Well, he's been intimate, _I _haven't," she said, scowling a bit. Hermione sighed.

"I... I'm sorry mum..."

"It's all right, dear," Miranda said gently, stroking Hermione's bushy hair. "It's just... We all feel lonely sometimes, and Sirius knows that very well too."

"Oh," Hermione said, feeling a bit more guilty. Miranda chuckled softly, and kissed Hermione's forehead.

"Don't fret, Hermione. I know what I'm doing." Miranda's smile turned smug. "And _he_ certainly knew what he was doing." She sighed happily.

"Over and over and _over-"_

"MUM!"

* * *

><p>Sirius sat in the Black library with his godson. He sipped from a tumbler of something called Jack Daniels, which he was enjoying very much. He needed to get some regularly, the bite to the whiskey was fantastic.<p>

"So... Um..." Harry tried. Sirius grinned.

"Yes. I am shagging Hermione's mum. It is _amazing."_

Harry's jaw dropped. Sirius shrugged.

"What? You were gonna try to ask. You really need to be more direct about your questions, Harry. Trust me, saves you a huuuge amount of trouble in the long run."

"Ah, right," Harry said. "Look, Hermione is my friend and-"

"And if you get with her, her looks will last for a good, _long _time," Sirius said cheerfully. Harry blushed brightly.

"N-Not what I was asking!"

"Well, what are you asking?" Sirius asked, sipping his whiskey. Harry groaned.

"Are you... You just shagging her because? Or what?"

Sirius sighed. "Harry," he said, "I've gotta admit, I don't know. Prison... It changes a man. Makes you romanticize everything outside of it." He shook his head. "Part of me is scared I'll just screw this up, like so many, many other things I'd ruined."

Harry frowned in sympathy. "Sirius..."

"So I don't know. I just know I care a lot about her, and it's not just going to be a one-off thing," Sirius said with a firm nod. "I respect Miranda... Hermione... And you too much to screw this up."

Harry smiled. "I... I see..."

Sirius took another sip of his whiskey. "Men can make a lot of mistakes in their lives. It's how we learn," he intoned wisely. "But some mistakes you can't stop regretting. Try not to make any of those, Harry. Especially with women."

Harry nodded, feeling a lot better. Sirius smiled back, and reached out to squeeze his shoulder.

"Your dad and mum didn't have a traditional romance either, you know? He started as a prat, she wasn't impressed with his antics. But he grew up, became a great man. Mainly because of your mum. That kind of love is... Magic. The best kind there is."

"Thanks Sirius," Harry said, smiling wider. Sirius smiled back, and they sat in comfortable silence for a time.

"... Um, Sirius?" Harry asked. "Where did you get those rope burns?"

"Hm? Oh, those," Sirius said, glancing at his wrists. He shrugged... And grinned. "The best part about brainy birds? They are _super _kinky."

Harry stared in horror at his godfather. Sirius grinned, and sipped his whiskey some more.

"... Any other questions? Trust me, this is stuff you might want to know for your future-"

"Not... Right now, thanks."

* * *

><p><em>How did Harry Potter get me back into writing? Got me. Just be glad of it.<em>


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